We Don’t Talk Like We Used To: 6 Conversations To Reconnect – FamilyLife®

I remember when we used to talk about everything … the big dreams, the weird fears, and oddly specific childhood memories we never told anyone else. 

Now? Much of our conversation revolves around car coordination (since we only have one), who’s doing school drop-off, quick check-ins, and a few instances of “Can you put your phone down and hang out with me?”

It doesn’t happen all at once, but over time, many couples find themselves drifting into a rhythm of functional communication. Conversations start to revolve around things that need to be done, fixed, bought, or scheduled. And while those are necessary to talk through, they’re not what bonds you. 

Feeling disconnected in marriage doesn’t always mean something’s broken. It often just means you’re both doing a lot—working hard, showing up for your kids, keeping things afloat. But connection doesn’t thrive on doing; it thrives on learning.

When was the last time you asked each other questions that didn’t have a “right” or easy answer? When you laughed mid-conversation or got to the bottom of what’s really weighing on your heart?

If it’s been a while, you’re not alone. The good news is that connection doesn’t require a reset or grand romantic gesture. It starts with a single intentional moment.

6 conversations every couple needs to have

Whether you’ve been married for six months or 16 years, these are conversations worth returning to again and again. And remember: These convos aren’t about fixing your marriage, they’re about deepening it.

1. What does love look like when it’s hard?

Explore how you each experience love, not just when it’s easy, but when it’s tested.

Try asking: When have you felt most loved by me during a difficult time?

2. What are we afraid to say out loud?

Unspoken expectations, simmering frustrations, or just the ache of being misunderstood … naming it gently is the start of resolving it and building resiliency. 

Try asking: What expectations do you have of me (that you may or may not have realized you have) that I’m not meeting?

3. How are we serving each other?

Reflect on how well you serve each other no matter the personal cost. Do we serve each other without expecting something in return?

Try asking: What is one way I can serve you this week that will help you feel loved by me?

4. What hurts haven’t healed yet?

Forgiveness is less about forgetting and more about grace. What would it look like to move forward in grace, even in small steps?

Try asking: Is there anything I’ve done that I need to ask forgiveness for? 

5. How are we doing with intimacy?

Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. 

Try asking: Where do we feel most connected right now? Most distant?

6. What kind of legacy are we living?

Our lives were created to be the autobiography of God’s supernatural intervention. Reflect with each other on whether you believe your marriage reflects the love of Christ to others. What sets your marriage apart?

Try asking: How could we speak to each other differently to display Jesus better?

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Bethany Kuetzing is the brand marketing manager for FamilyLife’s resources. Before working for FamilyLife, she worked in marketing for a counseling ministry. Bethany lives in Ann Arbor, Michigan, with her husband, Peter, and son, Theodore. Bethany and Peter first met when they were 16 and have been married since 2019.